The 10 Phases of a Good First Date

So you met someone. And he was the elusive holy trinity: cute, smart, AND funny. He even gave you butterflies!!! WHAT?! He gets your number, and you wait to see if the spark endures. You pretend to be doing all sorts of other things — everything but waiting by the phone — because you’re an iNdEpEnDeNt WoMan. But really, you’re performing black magic and voodoo to exorcise your phone into producing a text message.

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Then, just when you’re all like…

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…you get a text. BOOM! You really are the goddess of seduction after all. You exchange brief witty banter, and then he asks when you’re free. Operation: First Date has been activated.

PHASE #2: DOUBT 
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It’s the day of the date — here comes the nerves-induced doubt!

Did I REALLY like him? Was he really THAT great? Moreover, is he worth all of the potential anguish and awkwardness of a first date? I did have quite a lot to drink that night. Maybe it was all an intoxicated delusion. Maybe he was a hologram!?!?!

Regardless, the anxious toxicity of first date anticipation and pressure sinks in. You’re tempted to bail; call him and say, “*Cough* I’m sick”; text him that you got a last-minute assignment from your boss, and can’t possibly finish it in time to go out. Then, reluctantly, you realize you’re being A PSYCHO, and that bailing would make you a total bish. So you resolve to tough it out, and go.

PHASE #3: I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR.
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I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR. WHERE DID ALL THIS HIDEOUS GARB COME FROM? THIS IS TOO BIG. THIS IS TOO SMALL. WHY DOESN’T MY FAVORITE DRESS FIT? WHY DO MY THIGHS LOOK THUNDEROUS IN THESE JEANS? WHEN AND HOW DID I GAIN THIS MYSTERIOUS WEIGHT?

PHASE #4: Wine.
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Maybe I should have a glass of wine. Just a couple sips to quiet my neurosis. I’ll be more confident and charming if I’m relaxed. I’ll be fine…

PHASE #5: WTF IS MY HAIR DOING?
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My hair has literally never done what’s it’s currently doing once in my life. Ever.

PHASE #6: Call the bestie for moral support/confidence boost.
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#Reassurance

PHASE #7: Making sure you don’t get there first.
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‘Cuz that just blows, yo.

PHASE #8: 
So far, so good.
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He’s already there, opens the door, and pulls out your chair. Chivalry isn’t dead, after all. Don’t let the cynics fool you!

PHASE #9: He’s normal.
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He’s still the cute, funny, smart dude you met at the bar, but also has manners, doesn’t do or say anything horrifying, doesn’t reveal any bizarre habits/quirks, and is not, heretofore, a serial killer. OH. MY. GOD. Is he real?! #RomeoTakeMeSomewhereWeCanBeAlone

PHASE #10: SUCCESS.
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The date wasn’t a disaster, the guy is actually a total catch, and YOU are feeling like a bad bitch. In fact, you feel so great, you’re ready to go on another one just to keep the momentum rolling!

Get on with yo bad self!

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